Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I wanna talk about me, Wanna talk about I, Wanna talk about number one...

I owe the lyrics serving as today's blog title to the amazing Toby Keith, and my super-fun day to my husband!

***We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog subject matter to bring you this special MOM Bulletin.... ***

Yes, normally this blog is dedicated to my children... they provide me with a lot to talk about. SO much, in fact that the weeks since Christmas have become a blur of meltdowns (Iraq), medical issues (The Skink) and readjustments to the back-to-school schedule. My sanity (or what shreds were left of the poor, moth-eaten thing) ran screaming from the house at least a week ago.

So what do you do when your spouse has lost her sanity? Well, if you're my husband, you give me a pink pistol and take me to the firing range! Yes, seriously.

It... was...AWESOME!

And this from the mom who absolutely refused to allow her son to play with toy guns when he was little. (See? Some things improve with the loss of sanity and reason!)

Some time ago I let my husband talk me into going to a gun show in town. I did a great job of acting vaguely aloof, right up until I spied the cutest little hot pink and black .22 pistol. I'm kinda like a crow - - if it sparkles or is of an interestingly feminine hue, I flap down from my tree and stand staring at the object, mesmerized. My crow-like tendencies made it easy for my dearly beloved to talk me into purchasing an item that I truly believed I had little use for.

It's not like I was raised in a gun-less home. No. In fact my dad successfully made me insanely jealous by spending weekends with my older brother at the firing range. I talked them into taking me with them one time when I was 8 -years-old, and my dad let me fire a .22 rifle. They told me how to hold it and how to line up the sights. I managed to hit the target, and basked in the glow of being told I wasn't bad for a beginner. He has also brought his own 30 ot 6, and somehow I talked him into allowing me to fire it. LOL - he warned me the thing had a kick, but if my brother was going to do it, I was not going to be shown up! I fired it. It hurt... but heck if I was going to let anyone know it hurt!

As far as I can recall, that was the last time I fired a real firearm.

So today was my first time in 34 years to fire a *real* gun... and my second time ever to fire a gun. Now mind you - when I was young, guns were all my brother would talk about, so if I wanted to play with him, I had to learn to shoot at him with one of his toy pistols. (We participated in such health play in the 70's!)  So I suppose I "knew" how to hold a pistol from pretending to kill my brother a few thousand times as a child. Cool, huh?

So my husband took me to the firing range and gave me the safe-handling instructions for my very own little pink firearm.

I'll never look at the "safe-handling instructions" on raw chicken the same way again!

"Stand Back! I have a raw chicken breast, and I know how to use it!"

But I digress. So my husband takes his insane wife to a firing range and shows her how to use a deadly weapon. *insert maniacal giggle here*


My first target was one of those silhouette dudes. I named him "stress" and I took his 4$$ DOWN!
First I made sure his "X" was no longer beating...


And then I took one last shot for good measure...


After I got rid of "Stress," I settled in for some more refined target practice. Here are the results:


And just look how beautifully my .22 goes with my sweat shirt! (By the way - in this photo I'm making a terribly novice mistake by placing my forefinger in the trigger area. You should never do that unless you want someone to think you're going to shoot them. It wasn't actually touching the trigger, but you can't tell that from the photo... but don't worry - I promise I don't want to shoot you - - or anyone else for that matter... unless you happen to be a paper silhouette named "Stress.")


See? I caught my mistake and moved my finger. This photo says, "I don't want to shoot you. I just want to show off my cool, pink gun and the paper target that I killed today." Talk about subtle non-verbal communication!

 What does this photo say? It says, "If you break into my house and threaten the lives of my children or myself, necessitating my consideration of deadly force, you better hope you're more than 3 yards away from me!" I took 10 shots at this target. See that bigger hole just below and to the right of dead center? That was 2 of them.

What does this photo say? It says, "If you break into my house and threaten the lives of my children or myself, necessitating my consideration of deadly force, putting 7 yards between you could still be bad for your health!" I took 20 shots at this target. See those big holes? Yup! Clearly I need to adjust my aim slightly up and to the left.

 What does this photo say? It says, "If you break into my house and threaten the lives of my children or myself, necessitating my consideration of deadly force, you better hope there are some walls/trees/cars between me and you as you run away!"

How do I feel after an hour at the firing range? Well... Mr. Stress is gone!

And in other news...
I take really bad reflective self-portraits.

Yes - both those pictures are me. I started on the Dukan Diet on October 3rd and I'm nearly 30 lbs. down. Yay ME!

I plan to tone up a bit more and then make a blog post about my dieting journey in the next month or two. In the mean time, you can expect some more posts about my children... because after all, this blog is not generally about ME... its always about them...


*DISCLAIMER: The writer of this blog is not actually "insane," and the term is used in jest. If you happen to be an ATF enforcer, please do not show up at my door and take away my pretty pink pistol! I'm not crazy... at least that's what the little voices in my head tell me...


*

5 comments:

  1. Now that's how you get rid of stress. Love the hot pink pistol and thrilled to see how you are taking care of yourself too!!! I love reading your posts!

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  2. Wow! What a shot you have! Your gun is so pretty! It sounds like you had a fun day. That is a fabulous photo of you!

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  3. Whew, that is a very cool way of beating stress.

    You have done amazingly on that diet. I need to check it out. I must ask - you are an amazingly busy lady. Was it just diet or have you mananged to slip an exercice regigm in there too?

    Please say no, please say no, please say no......!

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  4. Annicles - we'd all love to have a magic pill, wouldn't we?

    The Dukan diet stresses exercise - but they suggest just a nice 30 minute walk per day, which could be broken into 2 shorter walks or what ever. Truth be told, while I was able to slip in a walk many days in the first few weeks, my exercise routine went out the window while The Skink was in the hospital. There was about a month or so (more towards the "or so" part) when I did not get regular exercise, yet I still continued to loose throughout. I did not cheat on this diet - in fact, you can't or you'll throw the body out of ketosis and stop losing... but because I could eat as MUCH as I wanted, when ever I wanted, it wasn't hard!

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  5. Your allowed to be selfish occassionally

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