I've always taken great pride in the ability to see the good - the silver lining - in my life and in my daily challenges with my kids. I've blogged time and time again about the good and fun things that go on in our family, and yet I've also been pretty open about the not-so-great things that happen... I make jokes about both the good and the bad. I'm usually pretty good at being somewhat witty sometimes. (Yes - that is a nearly nonsensical sentence on purpose. - LOL)
Today I'm going to talk about some frustrations that have been building up lately. I'm going to talk about how. for the first time since she was born, I've let myself wonder what life would be like without her. It hurts to think that way, and it hurts to admit it... but I'm going to, and I'm going to share it with you.
Both the hubby and I are frustrated. We're tired - exhausted really - and we're leery about the future. The vast majority of parents experience plenty of bumps in the road, but live with the knowledge that once their kid turns 18, they as parents will be rewarded for their toils with a certain amount of new freedom.
When our kid turns 18, we don't know if she'll be capable of being granted independence within our society...
And I should mention here that I'm actually NOT talking about our daughter with Down syndrome. No - I'm talking about our daughter with the Asperger's diagnosis. We're not too worried about The Skink. She is so social and outgoing she'll probably have a job through high school and at some point her dad and I will be begging her to stay and not to move out.
No - I'm talking about our very high-functioning autistic daughter. Asperger's... the diagnosis initially fell on our ears like music because it meant there was a word for the hell we had been putting up with since her birth.
I don't want to give the impression that all children with Asperger's are hellish. They are NOT! If you've met one child with Autism/Asperger's, you have met one child with Autism/Asperger's. Simple as that. They are all very different and they all have their very own quirks and personalities. In fact I am an Aspie myself, and my mother would tell you I was incredibly fun and easy to raise! (My high-anxiety quirk as a child kept me out of trouble. I was far too straight and narrow at that time to do anything I saw as being "against the rules." I know what you're thinking - "Holy cow! What happened?" LOL - with time I learned the world would not implode if I let my rebel side lose... at appropriate times of course.)
Our daughter just happens to have some very hard to live with quirks. She did not inherit my "don't break the rules" thing. Nope... she seems to seek out new and more devious ways of breaking rules. And she seems not to care a bit about ramifications or punishment. No matter the punishment she receives, she will continue doing the same negative behavior over and over and over.
I've talked about her stealing (kleptomania) a number of times. See one post here. The issue continues. She "relocates" stuff from her brother's room, stuff from the medicine cabinet, stuff from her classmates' desks at school, stuff from her grandparents house and stuff from wherever else she decides to take from. Well... I should rephrase that. Her kleptomania is an OCD behavior - a side effect of the autism spectrum disorder. It is something that can not be talked or punished out of her. It just is, and we just have to deal with the issue one day at a time. (Yes - we do punish each and every occurrence - that we find out about - all to no avail... but we keep on trying.)
She still has meltdowns. Lots of them. The pent-up stress from the day is released at home each evening like a dam breaking. Anything at all can be the catalyst for the release. Homework is a given catalyst. If she doesn't melt down over homework, it could be anything else - like not being allowed to eat ice cream just as I'm getting dinner on the table. It starts with a whiny voice... like a jet engine warming up... and progresses to tears and running away, throwing things or even violence. In this state she can't hear reason... in fact I'm not sure she can hear anything at all. Once the dam starts breaking, there is nothing that can be done to hold it together. Nothing. Ever.
And this doesn't always happen only at home. She has a very low threshold for stimulation and tends to become very overstimulated in busy, loud or colorful places... like the grocery story, fairs, festivals or any new and different place we might try to take her.
She is dependent upon a set schedule and doing things in a very set way. Any variation from the schedule or trying a different way of doing something causes a huge amount of anxiety in her that can erupt in a myriad of ways.
She has exhibited a variety of very unusual behaviors over the years. For a time she was urinating in strange places. Into purses, onto toys, into cups that were kept like treasures in the back of her closet. Thankfully that little habit has gone away!
Then there was the Mark of Iraq phase where she would mark all of her clothing and much of the rest of the family's clothing with a single cut from scissors. On shirts it was usually in the front, just to the side of the left arm.
Instead of playing with her toys in an imaginary way, she prefers to line them all up in neat, straight lines. This is ongoing.
She takes food and eats (part of) it in strange places... then leaves the rest in hiding. Granola bars, pop tarts, yogurt, cheese... you name it. Sometimes I don't find it until I tear the place apart looking for "the smell." Other times I just follow the ants to it or stumble upon it in a sock drawer or some other odd place by chance :(
She hoards or squirrels things... She may take a bag, backpack or purse and fill it (stuff it, really) with apparently random items, or simply make great piles of things in random places. Nobody is allowed to touch any toys that are lined up or in a pile... ever. Or else!
She is downright cruel to her little sister, but she just doesn't understand that she is being cruel because she is not in possession if the clear sense of empathy that other people are born with. She is having to learn empathy... but for her it is just a matter of going through the motions (when she wants to).
And lately? Lately her newest trick has been hiding. Not like hide-an-go-seek hiding, but creepy hiding. Like hiding under Daddy and Mommy's bed. We've found her under there (and punished her for hiding under there) numerous times in the past months. Once we discovered her under there while we were... ahem... you know. And she keeps doing it. We now have to check under our bed and in our closet before we... you know. And that does nothing for the mood!
She also hides behind one of the couches in the living room. I have no idea how many inappropriate murder mysteries she has witnessed from back there. It's exhausting trying to remember to check for her in this place or that when we've already dealt with a day of melt downs and OCD behaviors and just want to sit in a semi-coma-like condition for one hour and watch a weekly series.
It's exhausting!
We've had therapists come into the home and work with her and work with us. The therapists are required to work with us under the assumption that many parents just aren't parenting well. Every time we get a new therapist (we've had a few because Iraq is hard to manage) they soon come to the conclusion that yeah - we have tried everything... to no avail. So usually they want us to go back and try something again. We always do... to no avail. But if it was deemed "worth a try" (again) by the therapist, we do it.
We've tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, every combination of both reinforcements and a certain extent of letting her have what she wants to lower our parental stress level (as suggested by her psychiatrist). The behaviors continue.
And you know what everyone (doctors, therapists, teachers, etc.) tell us now?
"Well, just keep trying!"
For 9 years we have just kept trying. And at the same time we have been (still) dealing with a wide variety of bizarre and unusual behavior each and every day that most other parents will never be confronted with. Ever.
And because she is so difficult , we never get a break. When we moved from the city to the farm in August, my wonderful mother kindly took the two girls from August 17 until the evening of the 20th so that I could dedicate myself to packing and moving. My poor mother was dealing with some bad arthritis pain at the time, but by the 20th she called me, almost in tears, to say that she couldn't keep them any more. That 5 days was long enough!! While it hadn't been 5 days, I totally understood where she was coming from! Every day spent with Iraq takes the work of 3 or 4.
So while the one thing Daddy and Mommy really, really, really need is a vacation, it is unlikely we will get one any time soon. We went on a cruise when Iraq was about a year old - my fantastic sister watched Iraq and Broadway for us for a whole week - but that was the last time we were away from her (until the move which wasn't exactly a vacation by any stretch of the imagination).
You know what? It is hard. It is really, really hard, and there is no defined end in sight.
The Skink? In comparison to her big sister, The Skink is really, really easy! Even though she wasn't fully potty trained until she was 6. Even though she still doesn't understand simple things like staying out of a road or other basic personal safety issues. Even though she has had some health complications related to her prematurity. Even though she learns things slowly. She is still far easier!
So why am I writing all of this? I'm writing it because I don't think I'm the only person - or that my husband and I are the only couple - feeling overwhelmed by autism. I wanted to share it so that other people who are at the end of their rope (and still being told by the professionals to "Just keep trying,") know that they are not alone. I am sharing this to give people who do not have a child in the autism spectrum a little perspective. Do you know how crushing it is to us when you give us dirty looks in the grocery store because you assume our child is just spoiled and that we are bad parents?
And finally I am writing this because I have not gone into depth about these feelings before, and I don't want anybody to be under the incorrect impression that I am an awesome and infallible mom who wears a "SuperMom" cape under my clothes. (Well - not usually - it gets too hot and constricting, I find.)
Yes - there are days I would sell my middle-kid to the first band of passing gypsies. Of course those are the days that the gypsies don't pass by. There are days that I fantasize about life without this child and all the stress and drama. I believe I wouldn't have high blood pressure or have had a cardiac arrest were she not in my life.
And then I feel horrible and guilty for allowing myself to think such things. What kind of parent am I who would wish away her child? I am falling short of my expectations of myself... which are far from perfect to begin with.
I am a "good enough" mom... but to keep it real, I'm also human and I have my moments.
So please leave a comment! Don't forget to include the dates and times you can "babysit" my 9-year-old for me!
JUST KIDDING!
I love my readers and I wouldn't want to torture you that way!
*
Today I'm going to talk about some frustrations that have been building up lately. I'm going to talk about how. for the first time since she was born, I've let myself wonder what life would be like without her. It hurts to think that way, and it hurts to admit it... but I'm going to, and I'm going to share it with you.
Both the hubby and I are frustrated. We're tired - exhausted really - and we're leery about the future. The vast majority of parents experience plenty of bumps in the road, but live with the knowledge that once their kid turns 18, they as parents will be rewarded for their toils with a certain amount of new freedom.
When our kid turns 18, we don't know if she'll be capable of being granted independence within our society...
And I should mention here that I'm actually NOT talking about our daughter with Down syndrome. No - I'm talking about our daughter with the Asperger's diagnosis. We're not too worried about The Skink. She is so social and outgoing she'll probably have a job through high school and at some point her dad and I will be begging her to stay and not to move out.
No - I'm talking about our very high-functioning autistic daughter. Asperger's... the diagnosis initially fell on our ears like music because it meant there was a word for the hell we had been putting up with since her birth.
(She's beautiful, isn't she?)
I don't want to give the impression that all children with Asperger's are hellish. They are NOT! If you've met one child with Autism/Asperger's, you have met one child with Autism/Asperger's. Simple as that. They are all very different and they all have their very own quirks and personalities. In fact I am an Aspie myself, and my mother would tell you I was incredibly fun and easy to raise! (My high-anxiety quirk as a child kept me out of trouble. I was far too straight and narrow at that time to do anything I saw as being "against the rules." I know what you're thinking - "Holy cow! What happened?" LOL - with time I learned the world would not implode if I let my rebel side lose... at appropriate times of course.)
Our daughter just happens to have some very hard to live with quirks. She did not inherit my "don't break the rules" thing. Nope... she seems to seek out new and more devious ways of breaking rules. And she seems not to care a bit about ramifications or punishment. No matter the punishment she receives, she will continue doing the same negative behavior over and over and over.
I've talked about her stealing (kleptomania) a number of times. See one post here. The issue continues. She "relocates" stuff from her brother's room, stuff from the medicine cabinet, stuff from her classmates' desks at school, stuff from her grandparents house and stuff from wherever else she decides to take from. Well... I should rephrase that. Her kleptomania is an OCD behavior - a side effect of the autism spectrum disorder. It is something that can not be talked or punished out of her. It just is, and we just have to deal with the issue one day at a time. (Yes - we do punish each and every occurrence - that we find out about - all to no avail... but we keep on trying.)
She still has meltdowns. Lots of them. The pent-up stress from the day is released at home each evening like a dam breaking. Anything at all can be the catalyst for the release. Homework is a given catalyst. If she doesn't melt down over homework, it could be anything else - like not being allowed to eat ice cream just as I'm getting dinner on the table. It starts with a whiny voice... like a jet engine warming up... and progresses to tears and running away, throwing things or even violence. In this state she can't hear reason... in fact I'm not sure she can hear anything at all. Once the dam starts breaking, there is nothing that can be done to hold it together. Nothing. Ever.
And this doesn't always happen only at home. She has a very low threshold for stimulation and tends to become very overstimulated in busy, loud or colorful places... like the grocery story, fairs, festivals or any new and different place we might try to take her.
She is dependent upon a set schedule and doing things in a very set way. Any variation from the schedule or trying a different way of doing something causes a huge amount of anxiety in her that can erupt in a myriad of ways.
She has exhibited a variety of very unusual behaviors over the years. For a time she was urinating in strange places. Into purses, onto toys, into cups that were kept like treasures in the back of her closet. Thankfully that little habit has gone away!
Then there was the Mark of Iraq phase where she would mark all of her clothing and much of the rest of the family's clothing with a single cut from scissors. On shirts it was usually in the front, just to the side of the left arm.
Instead of playing with her toys in an imaginary way, she prefers to line them all up in neat, straight lines. This is ongoing.
She takes food and eats (part of) it in strange places... then leaves the rest in hiding. Granola bars, pop tarts, yogurt, cheese... you name it. Sometimes I don't find it until I tear the place apart looking for "the smell." Other times I just follow the ants to it or stumble upon it in a sock drawer or some other odd place by chance :(
She hoards or squirrels things... She may take a bag, backpack or purse and fill it (stuff it, really) with apparently random items, or simply make great piles of things in random places. Nobody is allowed to touch any toys that are lined up or in a pile... ever. Or else!
She is downright cruel to her little sister, but she just doesn't understand that she is being cruel because she is not in possession if the clear sense of empathy that other people are born with. She is having to learn empathy... but for her it is just a matter of going through the motions (when she wants to).
And lately? Lately her newest trick has been hiding. Not like hide-an-go-seek hiding, but creepy hiding. Like hiding under Daddy and Mommy's bed. We've found her under there (and punished her for hiding under there) numerous times in the past months. Once we discovered her under there while we were... ahem... you know. And she keeps doing it. We now have to check under our bed and in our closet before we... you know. And that does nothing for the mood!
She also hides behind one of the couches in the living room. I have no idea how many inappropriate murder mysteries she has witnessed from back there. It's exhausting trying to remember to check for her in this place or that when we've already dealt with a day of melt downs and OCD behaviors and just want to sit in a semi-coma-like condition for one hour and watch a weekly series.
It's exhausting!
We've had therapists come into the home and work with her and work with us. The therapists are required to work with us under the assumption that many parents just aren't parenting well. Every time we get a new therapist (we've had a few because Iraq is hard to manage) they soon come to the conclusion that yeah - we have tried everything... to no avail. So usually they want us to go back and try something again. We always do... to no avail. But if it was deemed "worth a try" (again) by the therapist, we do it.
We've tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, every combination of both reinforcements and a certain extent of letting her have what she wants to lower our parental stress level (as suggested by her psychiatrist). The behaviors continue.
And you know what everyone (doctors, therapists, teachers, etc.) tell us now?
"Well, just keep trying!"
For 9 years we have just kept trying. And at the same time we have been (still) dealing with a wide variety of bizarre and unusual behavior each and every day that most other parents will never be confronted with. Ever.
And because she is so difficult , we never get a break. When we moved from the city to the farm in August, my wonderful mother kindly took the two girls from August 17 until the evening of the 20th so that I could dedicate myself to packing and moving. My poor mother was dealing with some bad arthritis pain at the time, but by the 20th she called me, almost in tears, to say that she couldn't keep them any more. That 5 days was long enough!! While it hadn't been 5 days, I totally understood where she was coming from! Every day spent with Iraq takes the work of 3 or 4.
So while the one thing Daddy and Mommy really, really, really need is a vacation, it is unlikely we will get one any time soon. We went on a cruise when Iraq was about a year old - my fantastic sister watched Iraq and Broadway for us for a whole week - but that was the last time we were away from her (until the move which wasn't exactly a vacation by any stretch of the imagination).
You know what? It is hard. It is really, really hard, and there is no defined end in sight.
The Skink? In comparison to her big sister, The Skink is really, really easy! Even though she wasn't fully potty trained until she was 6. Even though she still doesn't understand simple things like staying out of a road or other basic personal safety issues. Even though she has had some health complications related to her prematurity. Even though she learns things slowly. She is still far easier!
So why am I writing all of this? I'm writing it because I don't think I'm the only person - or that my husband and I are the only couple - feeling overwhelmed by autism. I wanted to share it so that other people who are at the end of their rope (and still being told by the professionals to "Just keep trying,") know that they are not alone. I am sharing this to give people who do not have a child in the autism spectrum a little perspective. Do you know how crushing it is to us when you give us dirty looks in the grocery store because you assume our child is just spoiled and that we are bad parents?
And finally I am writing this because I have not gone into depth about these feelings before, and I don't want anybody to be under the incorrect impression that I am an awesome and infallible mom who wears a "SuperMom" cape under my clothes. (Well - not usually - it gets too hot and constricting, I find.)
Yes - there are days I would sell my middle-kid to the first band of passing gypsies. Of course those are the days that the gypsies don't pass by. There are days that I fantasize about life without this child and all the stress and drama. I believe I wouldn't have high blood pressure or have had a cardiac arrest were she not in my life.
And then I feel horrible and guilty for allowing myself to think such things. What kind of parent am I who would wish away her child? I am falling short of my expectations of myself... which are far from perfect to begin with.
I am a "good enough" mom... but to keep it real, I'm also human and I have my moments.
So please leave a comment! Don't forget to include the dates and times you can "babysit" my 9-year-old for me!
JUST KIDDING!
I love my readers and I wouldn't want to torture you that way!
*
Hello there,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Breeann. I am a Community Manager for a content marketing platform called Atomic Reach that connects bloggers with brands looking for high-quality content. I am reaching out to you about an opportunity to be featured on an exciting content community at Sportball where experts share their articles to educate and build awareness about raising healthy, engaged and active children.
By creating a dynamic content destination, parents, coaches and partners can gain access to high-quality articles written by a variety of experts and thought-leaders.
We are developing a the Parent section of the website which features content created by parents like you. We only publish the title, a short summary and a link to your article so you get the traffic and exposure, and our community gets access to your great content.
You can visit the site at:
http://sportballkids.com/
Let us know if you’d like to participate, and we will help you create an account on a platform we are using that lets us share your posts.
Sincerely,
Breeann Morgan-Hunt
Community Manager
Dear Breeann -
DeleteLOL - I'm sorry... did you mistake me for a soccer mom?
You stated that you have "an opportunity to be featured on an exciting content community at Sportball where experts share their articles to educate and build awareness about raising healthy, engaged and active children." Have you even *read* my blog? In what part of my blog did you get the idea that I am an expert in raising "healthy, engaged and active children?" While you may have mistaken the ADHD present in all 3 of my kids as "active," I'm not really sure you could label my autistic daughter as "engaged" or my child with Down syndrome who is notorious for her ER visits as "healthy..." though it's very kind of you to play "let's pretend" with me to boost my self esteem.
And "thought leaders?" Did y'all come up with that title yourselves? As a "thought leader" I could solemnly swear to lead your whole readership astray on some thought-provoking foray on why neither my daughter with Down syndrome nor my daughter with autism play (or have ever taken part in) team sports.
As a Community Manager for your "content marketing platform," I'm wondering if you shouldn't spend more time researching those you spam than coming up with big words and fancy (yet nonsensical) terminology to use to woo totally inappropriate bloggers.
Sincerely,
A blogger who will make fun of spammers any time she wants to :)
Ugh ... maybe you need to moderate comments on the blog, Leigh!
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, thank you for writing this. I want to know what it's like. You have my sympathy for the hard days and my admiration for all the days.
Hugs, A
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog, as I was trying to get some information about DS- my nephew just born two days ago with it.
First time, I ever heard of Asperger's was at the movie Mary & Max, very cute movie, however quite sad too. I can only imagine how overwhelmed you and your husband must be! I salute you for finding time to write about it, and in a warm-heartedly fashion.
Blessings from above to you, your husband and your children. To better and brighter days! (well, not too bright though- I know, it bothers Aspies.) :0D
Cheers.
-d.n.
This is a very interesting blog hope to see some more of it. Keep it up! :) Cheers.
ReplyDeleteoh I hear you on that one!in the morning I am so going to have to get my wife to read your blog , as it may well just save her sanity!!
ReplyDeleteIf I lived in the states I would so offer to come baby sit!! but alas I stuck in england so I will just have to send you a big hug and hope someone will give you the night off you deserve ;0)
hus, prayers and best wishes to you all
that would be hugs prayer and best wishes!! it is nearly 1 in the morning!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I understand about being at the end of the rope, although for different reason since I too have difficult children and it never, ever seems to end.
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of parent you are wondering how life would be if....? Normal I suppose, especially given you live under unhumanly amount of stress and almost never get a break.
Some years ago a doctor pointed out a book to me "Explosive Children" I only got around to reading it myself, never translating it to my hubbie (who doesn´t understand much English) let alone applying the technique. Then I completely forgot about it. I´m being reminded of this book now as this method it´s a part of a suspense I´m reading and I can´t help but wonder. Would it have made a difference to apply it? Well I guess I'll never know...
I really do hope your girl (or all your kids for that matter) will turn out well and thank you SO much for sharing this with us.
Jorunn
I have an aspie 14 yr old son, a deaf daughter and 2 younger 'normal' kids... You watch the teen and I'll watch the 9yr old..... ;) you have managed to put in to sensible words how it feels sometimes. I had 3 days respite - my dad took s to a football weekend away, the first night I burst into tears because of the relief I felt not having to keep one step ahead of the game. Thank you for sharing. Chrissy
ReplyDeleteHello, Thank you for sharing your life and frustrations with us. I would bling-out your Super Mom cape for you if I had any crafty-ness in me, because you should wear that thing proudly, mama! I love your Zombie Chicken stories, btw. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteFirst off I just wanted to commend you on your courage for saying you’re frustrated. I think that’s something that every parent feels but doesn’t always admit. This blog is not only a great place for you to think out loud and vent but it’s great for other parents who are going through similar problems. The one very important quality you possess is the ability to see the silver and remain positive. So many people out there don’t possess that ability and it’s sad. But it’s hard to always be positive, that’s when the support from others comes in.
ReplyDeleteThe doctors, teachers, and therapists all working together as a team to help that child succeed and grow. The important thing is starting early and finding what works for your children and your family. Yes, it can be frustrating to hear “keep trying.” But, that’s all you really can do and one day you will find something that works.
I work in a transition classroom with individuals with special needs who range from severe to profound and are 18-21 years old. We help prepare these individuals for life beyond school. This means helping them find something that interests them and a job that they are good at so that they can be independent and support themselves. There are plenty of transition programs out there that help individuals with disabilities find work. I sure your daughter will have to problem with the transition of life after school!
That’s what’s so great about the Americans with Disabilities Act. It helps protect and ensure that these individuals are not discriminated against for their disability. I find that over the years our country has made immense progress towards equal rights and acceptance in society. Therefore, I can only imagine the possibilities that will be available by the time your daughter reaches adulthood.
You also mentioned the OCD behaviors that your daughter is displaying. As you already know, these behaviors come in waves and sometimes all a child needs is time. As like all children, they will outgrow these behaviors. I feel like I was just a sneaky when I was young. All you can do now is stay strong and continue to reinforce the appropriate behaviors and try and get rid of the inappropriate ones.
I just really admire your blog and your honesty. Working in the classroom with these kids you always wonder what life at home is like. I think it’s great that you are passionate about your children and how devoted you are because it’s unfortunately, not always the case you come across. It’s awesome to see a parent advocate for their children and find their voice while helping their children find theirs.
I just found your blog last night after a Google search for "7-yo Aspie stealing everything." Your's was the first link to pop up so I took a chance... and I'm very glad I did. Just a bit of background: I am happily married to a wonderful man. We have a beautiful daughter (almost 3) together and I am also a SAHM for my 3 stepkids that we are raising. My 7-yo bonus daughter has multiple diagnoses: Asperger's, OCD, ODD, high anxiety, and, and, and... My 4-yo bonus son has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS and "borderline intellectual functioning." And my 3-yo bonus son will be evaluated within the next two weeks for, at the very least, speech delays. That said, right now, the main problems are coming from the 7-yo bonus daughter, H. She steals, she lies, she cheats, she winds up in ISS at least once every two weeks for straight-up refusing to do her school work (even with her 1:1 aide). I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have caught myself wondering how much easier my life would be if I could "just send her back to her mom." We, like you, have tried seemingly EVERYTHING to address the underlying issues and nothing has produced any longterm effects. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I feel as though I am even more under the microscope because she IS my bonus daughter and I am "just a stepmom" (who bathes, kisses, dresses, feeds, doctors, EVERYTHING). I am scared to voice any of these feelings to anyone but my husband for fear of being cast as the evil stepmother. I keep praying and trying, trying, trying to come up with ways to get through to her but I am terrified that this will be our life indefinitely. Thanks for voicing your (and my) feelings.
ReplyDeleteLeigh,
ReplyDeleteI commend you on being open and honest about your feeling and thoughts when it comes to your daughter, Iraq. Not many parents would admit to wondering what life would be like without that child, and let’s face it; every parent has had the same thoughts. With that being said, I see that Iraq has so much going on when it comes to her Asperger’s but it seems that no “professional” is able to really help her. I honestly believe the people closest with any child are that their advocate and you and your husband have been an excellent advocate for her. I think taking the time to explain to her why some of the things she is doing is bad, (stealing, hiding, and hurting sister) is possibly the only thing that you can do. You’ve tried multiple different punishing and rewarding techniques and all seemed to be unsuccessful. However, when giving her these talks I think it would helpful if you asked her questions throughout the talk, first to see if she is listening and second, to see if she really is understanding and comprehending what you are trying to tell her. Another thing that stuck out to me was the food hiding. This might be part of her OCD but since you can’t stop her from her habit, I would try giving her a space to do this. Maybe cleaning out a closet, play house, or a section of a room. This way she is still able to eat in private, but instead of hiding the left overs around the house, she could leave them in a drawer or a chest and you can clean them up before the aunts come. The last thing I am curious about is her school routine. Does she go to a public school, home school, or a school specialized to handle students with Asperger’s. You stated she gets over stimulates by loud noises, colors, etc. If she was at home or a specialized school she would have less of stimuli but also have her a a routine which she likes and have teachers who can help her better according to her needs. Like you said, every child with Asperger’s is different, and each child has things that work for them. I believe your daughter will find out what those are. Although, you may be sick of hearing it, but keep working on it. Iraq was blessed with a family who can love and help her achieve in life.