Oh Behave!

What Would You Do?

Imagine this... a new family moves into a house just down the street from you with an 8-year-old daughter who is almost exactly the same age as your daughter. (Not to assume that everyone has an 8-year-old daughter, but humor me for this little tidbit.)

The family seems (note the italics) well educated and friendly, and shortly after their arrival they invite you and your daughter over to their house for a play date. While you are there, your daughter spies some fun-looking dolls neatly arranged on a shelf and picks one to play with. Your new neighbor's child races over, snatches the doll away and *shrieks* "Don't mess up my dolls!" To make matters worse, she then starts crying like she was bitten by a shark or something.

Whoa.. right? The kid is EIGHT YEARS OLD. I mean, what is with this kid? Has the word share never been spoken in this house or what?

So the freaky kid's mom intervenes, and instead of sending psycho-girl to time out,  she HUGS her, holds her in her lap and whispers to her!

 Yeah - kind of like that!

Does this woman not watch Super Nanny? Isn't that like, the opposite of what any intelligent parent would do?

After a while the brat gets up out of her mom's lap and hands your daughter the doll that caused the melt down and heads to the opposite side of the room as if your daughter isn't even there. In hopes of fostering a friendly relationship, you ask the girls if they'd like to play a game of "I-Spy" together with you. Of course your daughter brightens up and is eager to play. The other kid? Totally ignores you...

So again her mother (who you're thinking has less and less in common with you by the millisecond) goes over to her daughter and asks her again if she'd like to play. Kid looks over at you and screams at you, "I am not a spy! Don't call me a spy!"

Huh?

So you (sort of) calmly explain it's a game and go over the rules and start out, "I spy with my eye..." and the kid interrupts you to inform you that "I," "spy" and "eye" are all rhyming words and then proceeds to list off about 468 more words that rhyme (because you so totally care, right?). Needless to say that not only do you not get to play the I-Spy game, but nobody else can get a word in edgewise.

Well, just look at the time!

You cordially announce that you simply must be going - you know... 10,000 things to do before dinner and all...

The other mom stands up with you and agrees, saying that it's probably a good time to start homework.

As you're leaving, you hear the new creepy-kid start having this mega-tantrum, shrieking over and over, "I want to play! I want to play!" like some sort of whacked-out broken record. I mean, she didn't exactly play while you were there, and now she wants to play? Is it just me or does it sound like she's gotten away with begging and whining to avoid homework a time or two before?

To your horror, the kid shows up at your door shortly after you get home to give back the lip-gloss she apparently stole from your daughter!

Um... wow.

Now there's a great little friend for your daughter, right?
*insert "Oh, like HELL NO!" here*

What would you do?

Do you foster a friendship with this nasty, spoiled, whiny little heathen and her parents who possibly don't possess an ounce of "How To Parent" knowledge, or remain cordial but just "happen" to be busy when they want to play? Do you keep quiet, or do you offer up some creative suggestions for behavioral issues?

I mean, don't we pretty much all know that if a child whines it is because whining has gotten her what she wants? Don't we all know that if a child has a temper tantrum, you don't reward the behavior but put the child in time-out, or take a favorite toy away? It's freakin' 2011 - why would anybody not know these things?

Am I wrong? Have you decided how you feel about this situation?

Doesn't the expression on that face about sum it up?

What if I am wrong?

What if I am jumping to some conclusions? Conclusions like that common discipline methods work for every child? Conclusions like that this child was purposefully misbehaving or is spoiled?

But how could I be wrong? Everything I've seen on shows from Dr. Phil to Super Nanny -

in books from Dr. Spock...

 No - not that Spock!                                   That Spock! >


...to the wide plethora of available literature currently available on the subject of child-rearing... they all would suggest my conclusions are correct - heck - they taught me those conclusions!

So what if I told you that this story is a representation of a real situation...

and that I am the other mom. You know... the one who held her child in a bear-hug during a melt-down to prevent her from hurting anyone after one of the dolls was removed from it's permanently-assigned place in an OCD-style line-up.

What if I told you that ever since Iraq was tiny, none of the parenting techniques that supposedly work on ALL children, worked for my middle child? Yeah - they worked great for my oldest who has ADHD. They work great for my youngest who has Down syndrome, but they don't work for Iraq.

You see, Iraq has Aspergers - it's an autism spectrum disorder - and she doesn't learn from experience the way most kids do.

I know that sounds very weird, and indeed it is very weird - even when you've been living with it for 8 years! Iraq's communication issues - both inside her own brain and in absorbing outside stimulus - mean that she gathers information differently than "neuro-typical" (or NT) children. She learns and responds differently than NT children. It means that her actions and reactions are based on something different than those of an NT child... something that can't be seen and something that is very, very hard for others to understand.

It means that no matter where we go and no matter what we do, my parenting skills will automatically be called into question by those who have watched all the shows, read all the books and "know" all the answers.

I will tell you myself that I used to be the most awesome parent! I used all the expert-approved techniques and I had the most well-behaved son! Hooray for me!

Luckily, many parents end up with 2 or more NT children, and if used properly, these techniques work GREAT for those children.

I do realize how hard it is for others to understand how different parenting a child in the autism spectrum is than parenting an NT child - especially if you're lucky enough to have more than one well-behaved NT child. I should also mention that all children in the autism spectrum are different too, and what works for one may not work for another... and sometimes it can take what seems like forever to find something... anything... that works at all.

*I will mention that I took a break (to restrain hold Iraq in a bear hug) just now after she had a melt-down because I wouldn't help her with her homework right that second and then her sister put on her shoe and she tried to stab The Skink with a pencil in retaliation and then started screaming when I told her to take a time out so I had to physically carry her up the stairs (even though I have a bad back) and lay down on top of her until she calmed down so she wouldn't hurt us all and so that she knows she has limits (and so do I) and in order to do my part to try to teach her to fit in with the world she was born into.* 

What? Don't you do that with your kids every day?

At the end of the 15-minute meltdown (sounds like a new workout DVD series, doesn't it?) she wouldn't let go of me, and told me how much she loves me. What? Not the typical response from a child who has just been physically restrained?

I should mention that although I may be doing this a number of times a day right now, that is not always the case. It's just that the school year has just begun - new teacher, new schedule - and Iraq does not do well with transitions or change. Not well at all! Once she gets into her new rhythm, we'll only have meltdowns if there's a new skill introduced at school , on holidays, weekends... or if we're "lucky" enough to go on a trip or something. Yeah - we look forward to those days!

So yeah - - I'm that mom. The one with the kid who has no friends. She still wants to knock on our neighbor's door up the street on occasion, but usually nobody answers. If she sees them through a window, she is told they are about to go somewhere or have an appointment or something. I can hardly blame them. It's tough being her mother, let alone her neighbor with 3 well-behaved NT children.

But it still hurts.

I'm struggling but I do the best I can. We follow the guidelines suggested by our autism specialists (who say - "Yeah - we know. You need to do this but it may not change the behavior. There's not much else we can tell you other than 'hang in there!'"). I do tell the other parents I meet that Iraq is in the spectrum... usually I'm met with understanding nods which soon morph into confused looks. Even when people "know," many still offer advice. Trust me - - we've been there, done that. If it worked, we'd still be there. I promise.

At any rate, I hold on to my sense of humor for dear life. If you need proof, just ask my 16-year-old son. He just got home from school and I asked him if he wanted milk and cookies. His eyes brightened up and he said "Yeah!" I pointed down the road and said, "Great! Me too! The Kroger is about a mile that way!"
LOL! Milk and cookies? I'm just not that kind of mom!

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