Friday, August 12, 2011

If I Die Young... Please Incinerate My Cold, Empty Carcass Before It Starts To Stink!

"If I Die Young"
By: The Band Perry


If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song...

Every now and then we find ourselves  unwittingly confronted by our own mortality. I had just such a moment today. On my way back home from Walmart, I saw this:

Yup - that's a casket on the back of a truck. Sorry the picture quality isn't very good - it was taken through my windshield with my phone camera, but you get the idea.

There it was as I pulled up to a light with my SUV loaded with milk and random frozen goods... a fake-marble casket being rather unceremoniously hauled to it's destination on the back of a truck dotted with rust and mud. I assume it is being taken to a funeral home or some sort of casket show-room (do they have those?)... and not to it's final-final resting place, which would insinuate it was already occupied. Personally I'd be a little disappointed if I had reserved a hearse only to have that truck pull up in front of the funeral home... but then my mind started wandering to whether or not I would want a hearse. Or a casket. Or a headstone...

And while all these cheery thoughts swirled about inside my cranium, I began hearing the melodic strains of a current pop hit by The Band Perry, If I Die Young.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Well, I certainly don't plan on dying young, (not that I'm currently as young as I was 20 years ago... but youth is relative) but unless terminally ill, one hardly plans on dying at all. My grandmother is a spry 102, so I figure I'm genetically predisposed to torture my children for a looooooong time before I get to haunt them.

 My grandmother shortly after her 100th birthday. If you think that's cool, you should have seen her go down the Olympic bobsled slope in Lake Placid, NY for her 90th!

But... young people (like I like to believe I am) die every day in car accidents, drownings and random miniature donkey attacks. So really, I suppose I might put a little thought into what I'd want done with my remains (provided they could be scraped together after the donkey was done with me).

First and foremost, I rather doubt that in my state of deceasement I will care what kind of fabric is around me, so just do what you can to locate the remnants of my shredded (or scorched, or whatever) jeans and T-shirt and shovel them in with me.

As for sinking me in a river and sending me away to the words of a love song...

Unless you really want to make yourself look like a psychotic serial killer, I really think this means of a burial would be a bad idea. And just think of the poor person down-stream who experiences the joy of believing they have scored a free boat only to find themselves eye-to-foggy-eye with a purifying corpse. I have a feeling all those rose petals you sprinkled on my carcass will do very little to mask the odoriferous nature of my remains... especially if I die young in the summer time. At least in the winter there's a chance I'd simply be rendered a corpsicle by the freezing temperatures.

And while Anne Shirley might find the whole satin, boat, river burial very "romantical," in the US at least, it would be very illegal. Romantical abuse of a corpse?

So... rather than going on and on about what I don't think you should do, I'll line out some thoughts on getting rid of my "left-overs."

I hold the stolid belief that the body is just a vehicle for the soul. Once that vehicle reaches about 200K miles (or in my genetic case, about 300K miles - - after all, I am like the Toyota of the human species) that vehicle craps out at the side of some road somewhere, or perhaps gets totaled at a lower mileage. At that point, the soul calls Triple A and gets a ride back to the nearest shop. Now, if you happen to be Hindu, Buddhist or Taoist, you can simply get another vehicle (but be careful! If you haven't been very well behaved, you could end up in a beetle!) but if your Christian, you get to take an elevator either up or down, depending on the kind of person you are/were.

I'm not really sure about the whole heaven vs. hell thing. As my grandmother says, "Who wants to sit around picking daises for the rest of eternity?" I'm not sure that would interest me that much. My belief is that the soul (comprised of electrical impulses) is free to go anywhere once freed from it's fleshy vehicle... pretty much at the speed of light, too! That sounds like a blast.

At any rate, the vehicle was just that. A vehicle. Regardless of if a person's vehicle is a Lamborghini or a scooter, much like milk, it won't do anybody any good to keep it about past its expiration date. Some choose to have their vehicle buried, and some have theirs set ablaze and then have the ashes buried. Others want their ashes to be scattered in some favorite haunt (did you know Disney has a rule against sprinkling ashes on its property? Yeah... I'm glad too!).

For the record, I want my vehicle incinerated, please. The idea of filling it with preservatives, burying it in a hole and then letting it slowly transform into sub-terrarium gelatinous effluvium doesn't really float my proverbial romantical boat. Nope - burn me up. Heck, you don't even need to invest in one of those fancy urns or anything. If you're gonna recycle my vehicle, for goodness sake, just stick the ashes in an old, 2 liter Pepsi bottle or something.

Check it out...You can just make me out dancing about in the flames...

And what ever you do, please don't stick me on a mantle somewhere! I'm still alive and I already hide my thighs from view, so let's just assume that ain't nobody wants to see that on your mantle! No - go ahead and sprinkle me about. Dump a little of me off a scenic over-look on the Blue Ridge mountain chain. Scatter a little of me in my favorite lake. If you travel, leave my heart in San Francisco... and Greece - Greece should be worth an arm and a leg! And while you're out that way, I'm sure nobody would notice a few extra ashes tossed into a volcano somewhere, so put that on my "bottle list" too, please.

So, what do you want done with your vehicle?

>> Insert shameless plug for new book HERE<<

Don't forget to check out my new book on Kindle - and you don't even need a Kindle to read it!

Don't have a Kindle? Click Here for other ways to read the book!

>>End shameless plug<<



  1. I detest that song! My daughter really likes it, but every time I hear it, I can't help but screech out, "There is nothing romantic about dying young!" - she just rolls her eyes at me!

    That is an awesome picture of your grandmother - wow! :)

    I can't wait to read your book, thank you for letting me know about the free Kindle App for the iPhone, I plan to download it this weekend!

  2. The band has actually explained it's not about dying young and it being romantic, it's about living your life to the fullest and living like you might die young.

    Love the blog! Made me laugh...a lot.


This is the part where you get to say something! I'd love to hear from you.