I'm excited to announce my new book Disaster Flambé is available on Kindle at Amazon.com!
And just to put the FUN in FUNd raising, for a limited time (ie: until I say so) I will be donating 10% of ALL profits from the book to Reece's Rainbow Adoption Ministry! You get a few hours of good, humorous entertainment, and at the same time, you'll know you're making a difference to differently-abled orphans in Eastern Europe. How can you loose?
Do you want a taste? OK - but just one. For more you have to buy the book.
Meeting the Neighbors
As I went out to check on the horses one last time one windy evening in March of 1994, I noticed a reddish glow coming over the hill to the north of the house. It was 10:30 at night and I reasoned with myself that due to both the time and direction, it probably was NOT the rising sun. I wandered up the hill to investigate, and came about as close to experiencing heart failure as I ever have. A large wall of fire fueled by the 40 mile an hour wind, was racing across the dried grass land directly toward me. It was still about 500 yards from our property line, but was wasting no time in getting there.
“D……………!” I yelled as I ran toward the house. “D…!”
An irritated voice replied from within the house “Whaaaaaat?”
“D…, there’s a FIIIIIIRE!”
“Where?”
“It’s (pant) almost (pant) here!” I managed to say as I reached the house.
We had been warned that the fire department was all but useless out where we were. There were no fire hydrants – just a small stock pond on the eastern portion of the property which would likely be serving up boiled bass by the time any fire trucks arrived. Frantically searching through a mess of letters and scrap paper on the kitchen counter, I finally found the scrap of paper the last home-owners had left for me that simply read, “If you have any problems, call the F.s at the following phone number.” The F.s were our new “next-door” neighbors who lived three miles to our east. We had yet to meet them, but this seemed as good a time as any.
I dialed the number as quickly as I could, and after a few rings, a motherly female voice answered. Doing my best to be polite and introduce myself, I quickly filled M. in on the details.
“Honey, I’ll git the boys and we’ll be right down.”
We then stood anxiously on the front porch to await the arrival of M. and “the boys.” Reminiscent of some lost scene from The Beverly Hillbillies, an ancient, red pick-up truck came racing over the winding gravel road, kicking up a long trail of dust .There were a number of shaggy looking men standing in the back yelling “Yeeeeee-Haaaawww!” and clearly enjoying the thrill of the ride. As they grew closer it became apparent they were armed with shovels, pitch-forks and wide, excitement-filled smiles that showed various missing teeth. Ah, The Boys were here, and apparently ready to do battle with ogres!
The mostly rusted-out truck, which seemed to be held together by duct-tape and bailing wire, slid to a halt in our driveway with billows of dust emanating from muffler-less underbelly. “The boys” hopped out and introduced themselves as B., K. and H. Then M. stepped out of the cab and shook my hand.
“Here we are!” she exclaimed.
Once the introductions had been made, someone noticed that the fire was cresting the hill and starting it’s short decent toward the house.
“Oh, BOY! Y’all got a REAL fire here!” called B. from his new vantage point on the hill, where he stood precariously close to the offending flames.
Buckets were passed about and filled with water. Worn-out, denim Wranglers were submerged in the buckets. My husband was handed a jeans-and-water filled bucket and instructed to beat out the fire with the wet jeans. Shovels were slung over shoulders and the pyro-posse launched its attack.
M. took me by the arm and led me toward the house, calmly asking how we liked our new place and wondering if we had any “little-uns” yet. Before I could answer or break down in tears from the stress, she went into a long explanation of which of The Boys had kids, how many, what ages and how many had already ridden a sheep in the mutton-bustin’ contest at the state fair rodeo.
If it had been up to me, I would have been outside beating flames into submission with wearable, wet weaponry, but M. would have none of that. According to her, women shouldn’t do that sort of thing because they never knew if they might have a “bun in the oven.”
“It don’t do no good to burn your oven while you’re cookin’ your bun.” she stated wisely.
I must say her freely given insights and advice worked quite well to take my mind off my burning property. They didn’t make complete sense to me, but just trying to sort them out in my mind made the time pass quickly.
After finishing her lecture on prenatal health, she asked, “You wanna go out on the porch for a cigarette?”
I was sure it would have been very wrong to start laughing just then. I held my tongue as I accompanied her out onto the front porch where we could see a number of dark, smoky figures moving about, silhouetted by huge red and yellow flames. The acrid smell of burning hay and trees was oddly soothing, bringing back memories of campfires and ghost stories.
“Where are you going, hon?” M. asked as I opened the front door to go back inside.
“I know I’ve got some marshmallows in here somewhere!” I called back as I ran toward the kitchen.
Not long after, another neighbor who had seen the flames showed up unannounced from the west bearing more shovels and jeans. For the next five hours the men fought the fire, keeping it away from the house and barn. M. and I swapped stories as we took cold beer and more marshmallows out to The Boys. By three-o-clock in the morning we were all covered from head to toe with black soot and grime.
The men had back-burned the property and kept the fire from spreading any further to the south or west. According to H., there were rocky ravines to the east which would stop the flames soon enough. House and barn saved, the tail-gates came down on the trucks and everyone took a seat with a cold beer in hand. In the moon light, all that could be seen of our soot-covered guests and saviors were the reflections of the moon’s glow off a random tooth when someone laughed or the twinkle in a friendly eye. The party finally split up around 4:30 in the morning when M. told The Boys to “round up all those old Wranglers” so she could get them into the wash. I have always wondered if they were planning on wearing them again, or if they just needed to be clean for the next fire?
Through our adventure we became fast friends with the F.s. Sometimes new neighbors knock on your door bearing cookies or casseroles, and others show up Hillbilly style in the back of a beat up pick-up truck to help save your homestead. It seems these days it’s just nice to have neighbors that care either way.
· Names have been modified to protect the identities of the toothless.
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Yes - in my book I also talk about pregnancy, my 3 children (with their various diagnosis') and even my boobs, because... why not? Please spread the word - I'd really love to raise some funds for Reece's Rainbow! I need people to read my book and leave a (hopefully) good review on Amazon.com so that other people will want to buy it and read it and so on... thereby raising more $$$ for RR! If you can spare a moment to blog about it, I'll be more thrilled than you can imagine.
So - funnest fund raiser yet, right? Hope you like the book and get some good giggles from my (mis)adventures!
Don't have a Kindle? Click Here for other ways to read the book!
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