Dear
Mrs. X et al,
What
can one frazzled mom say aside from, “Yeah – she did it again?”
As
far as we know, she got both the lotion and the ear buds from different
students on the bus. She claims she can’t remember where she got the change,
leaving us to wonder if she might have taken it from one of the “Men In Black”
considering her apparent loss of recollection. (Or perhaps aliens took the
change and planted it in our daughter’s sock drawer… we may never know!)
Although
it has occurred to us that she may have been a packrat in her last life and
simply suffers from flash-backs to her former rodent state, Iraq’s
psychiatrist tells us that her kleptomania falls under the OCD behaviors… that
fall under her diagnosis of Asperger’s. Of course to us it all feels like
falling under a cement truck. The good news is that the American Psychiatric
Association is removing the “Asperger’s” diagnosis from the new revision of the
diagnostic manual, meaning our daughter will no longer have the condition.
(The bad news is
that this just makes her diagnosis “Autism.”)
At
any rate, we are currently returning afore-mentioned contraband to you. Feel
free to punish our daughter as you see fit… (Does the school have a dungeon?
She’s a little short for her age so perhaps “The Rack” would be a good choice –
and far less intrusive than thumb screws when it comes to writing assignments.)
If you decide to turn her in to the police, just tell them you found her as a
wandering street urchin… or a sea
urchin… whatever. It will keep them guessing for long enough to give us all a
few hours off.
Please
accept our deepest apologies for our daughter’s behavior. She has been doing
this since she was 2 years of age and has continued stealing regardless of
being subjected to every form of punishment suggested by at least 10 mental
health specialists as well as some disdained grocery store patrons (who
invariably started their suggestion with, “If that were my kid I would…!” ). To date, nobody has suggested The Rack or
thumb screws.
…I’ll
be checking eBay.
Thank
you for understanding… or for not understanding but continuing to provide a
quality education for our daughter.
Sincerely,
Iraq’s
Mother
Iraq's Mother